I Finally Watched: 'Teen Witch'

There’s additional impetus for me to watch all the movies on my DVR: I’m cutting the cord and switching to Hulu. So after work on Friday, I cracked open my last Mocha Merlin, got comfortable on the couch, and watched what may be the strangest, most cringe-worthy, and intensely eighties movie I have ever seen: Teen Witch.

Louise Miller (Robyn Lively) is a shy high school student smitten with the star quarterback. Through a chance encounter with a seer (Zelda Rubinstein), Louise learns she is a witch and gains magical powers on her 16th birthday. With the seer’s help, Louise masters witchcraft and uses it to become the most popular girl in school.

I recorded Teen Witch in a lighthearted quest to rediscover the cheesy eighties movies I watched when I was a kid, movies I remember bits and pieces of but don’t recall their titles. I wondered if Teen Witch was one of them, but my Friday viewing proved it’s not. Regardless, I finally watched Teen Witch, a movie that is so eighties, I’m surprised it was not on my radar during my awkward eighties phase.

According to Wikipedia and IMDb, Teen Witch was originally planned to be “a female” Teen Wolf. (Teen Wolf is one of my all-time favorite movies.) Though that plan was abandoned, Witch is very similar to Wolf. The story is familiar, as are the overarching theme and message. There is less howling but a lot more skin—a tradeoff I’ll gladly accept.

Teen Witch hits all the stereotypical eighties high school–movie elements hard—really hard. The nerdy girl/boy pining for the dreamboat jock/cheerleader is very stereotypical, though not exclusive to the eighties. (I think the eighties is when the template for modern high school movies was struck.) Louise’s parents are present but mostly oblivious, she has a weird but entertaining younger sibling with an opposing personality, she is vexed by a grumpy and arrogant teacher, and she attends what seems to be a torturous gym class, which requires all the girls to wear a seductively cut leotard. (“Hot gym outfits” is among my notes.) Life at Louise’s high school and her fellow students are oversimplified and exaggerated; kids are skateboarding, doing tricks on BMX bikes, and rapping.

Speaking of rapping, the most famous and endearing feature of Teen Witch is the epic “Top That!” rap battle, one of the most cringe-worthy things I have ever seen in a movie:



There’s also an impromptu locker room dance routine, which I hoped in vain was a hallucination induced by Louise’s budding witchhood:



See what I mean by hot gym outfits?

Both scenes are among the reasons why Teen Witch has become a cult classic. One of the actors later described the movie as being “camp,” which implies these scenes were humorous and theatrical on purpose. Though the “Top That!” scene fits within the context of the story, and the rappers may be an intended exaggeration, the locker room scene is unexpected; it comes out of nowhere. As a realist, I can’t wrap my mind around that, can’t accept a spontaneous music video in the middle of a lighthearted coming-of-age drama. It’s not like Patrick’s public serenade in 10 Things I Hate About You. Teen Witch is fun and doesn’t take itself too seriously, but it’s not a comedy—at least I don’t think it is.

Relatedly, I read on IMDb that Teen Witch is the first movie to show teens listening to rap. I’m unsure how true that is, but it could have a kernel of truth. I think rap is prominent in Lean on Me, which was released earlier the same year (according to Wikipedia). I’m trying to think of other eighties high school movies that feature rap, but I’m drawing a blank.

Another reason Teen Witch has become an eighties cult classic is the fashion featured in the movie—sexy gym leotards aside. Louise’s outfits go from outrageously conservative and nerdy (the ladies on We Know What You Did on Fear Street would have a field day noting all the sweaters) to outrageously loud and over-the-top eighties even for an eighties movie.

A bare minimum is revealed about Louise besides her attraction to Brad, but the film provides a useful gist of her personality. She is portrayed as a nerdy ugly duckling early in the movie. (I’m a cute-girl-next-door guy, so I prefer Louise before she becomes “the most popular girl,” as the song says.) She is apparently smart enough to have skipped grades or be placed in higher level courses, seems to be a bookworm, and is a member of the school’s Latin club. However, I don’t think the movie provides a full picture of who she is. There are glimpses of other, intriguing aspects—she’s seen with a tennis racket, tries out for the school play, and has birth control pills (which are likely for acne based on her characterization)—but they turn out to be teasing nonfactors. Is there time or a need to reveal everything about her? No, but Louise intrigues me ... in all the good ways.

Here are some other worthy notes I don’t know how to fit in:

• In the outdated category, pay phones are used. One does not work, which leads to Louise finding the seer.

• Speaking of the seer, everybody knows Zelda Rubinstein from her role in Poltergeist. Her performance in Teen Witch is much less inspired.

• On that note, Teen Witch has a made-for-TV movie quality about it.

• Madame Serena tells Louise she has a “Punky Brewster” face. I vaguely remember Punky Brewster, and it’s been a long time since I thought about the show. It’s a fitting description, because Lively appeared in two episodes of Punky Brewster.

• Relatedly, Louise calls David “Dr. Demento.” It’s been a long time since I thought about Dr. Demento.

• Louise’s 16th birthday appears to be a dud. However, the scene ends abruptly, so we don’t know exactly what happens next.

• Louise becomes a cheerleader out of the blue. It fits her popular-girl phase but happens unexpectedly for one scene only.