A post best described by a word I hate

While browsing The Onion’s opinion section this morning I stumbled on Larry Groznic’s short biography. Groznic is a fictional columnist, much like Herbert Kornfeld. The little blurb about him reads, “Larry Groznic is a noted fan-community luminary and sought-after expert on the topics of British television, spy-fi memorabilia, cosplay, RPG adventuring, and limited-edition collectible maquettes. He lives in Cedar Rapids, IA, and is single.” It made me laugh, and not because he’s a geek, but because his writer placed him in Cedar Rapids. With columns titled “I appreciate the Muppets on a much deeper level than you do”, “Maybe I can impress her with my ‘Holy Grail’ quotes”, and “Dressing up your dog as Boba Fett is something you have to devote a weekend to”, it wasn’t hard to visualize him walking around Lindale Mall in a Marvel Comics shirt, stopping to admire the new science fiction at Walden Books.

Ah. Another example of how Iowa is everywhere.

I’m at work (for the first time in a week), writing to waste time. I wish I had a better job, one where I wasn’t filling in for an old lady who everyone misses and wants to return as soon as possible because they’re tired of dealing with the temp, a writer from Iowa with shaggy hair who has a worthless English degree and far out delusions of finding a job in California. (Phew! Note to self: Don’t ever write a longer sentence for the rest of your life.) I keep asking myself, “When should I become discouraged?”

It’s now official: I’ve decided to make this a worthless post, which will weave through different subjects. Or it will fall flat as the workday winds down. Which will it be? It’s a mystery.

The newest James Bond film was released a couple weeks ago and I still haven’t seen it. I’ve never been into movies, but, like most men, I’m attracted to the Bond series by the women, the action, and the cool gadgets. I haven’t missed a Bond movie in the theater since “Golden Eye,” and was at the opening night for both “Tomorrow Never Dies” and “The World is Not Enough.” And what gives me the right to call Larry Groznic a geek? Anyway, I’m planning to see it soon. Downtown Santa Cruz has two multiplexes, an Englert-like (pre-yuppie ownership) theater, and a small, independent house. General admission is (drum roll, please)…$9.

The best thing in the world is a Safeway card. I got one about a month ago, and it reduces my grocery bill every time I checkout. One night I walked into the store with $15, got what I needed, and had the cashier ring me up. The total came to $15.56. I handed her my Safeway card. She ran it through the scanner and the register deducted the savings. The new total was $10. And the best thing about it, beside the fact it lets me buy two loaves of bread for the price of one? It’s free. There’s no fee.

The second best thing in the world (another discovery I’ve made in California, though they have it in the Midwest) is balsamic vinegar. It goes good with everything. Salad. Lasagna. Dry spaghetti. It works miracles with leftovers.

The third best thing in the world is Trader Joe’s Pineapple Salsa. Too bad there won’t be much “chips and salsa time” for Hawkeye basketball fans this season.

Time to go home. Peace.

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