Don't touch my junk, bro

Discussed (thoughtfully) today on NPR’s “On Point” was the implementation of body scanners and enhanced pat downs at airport security checkpoints. Frankly, I am happy as hell to not be flying anywhere anytime soon, especially during the upcoming holiday season.

A friend recently floated the idea of me moving to San Francisco with him and his girlfriend. My initial reaction was disgust, wholly related to this thought: “I’d have to deal with that airport shit again.” Get up at 4 am. Catch the SuperShuttle about a hour later. Check-in around 5:30. Stand in the security line with the corporate clichés. Take off my shoes, jacket, and belt, and unload my backpack and pockets in trays for the scanner. Walk through the metal detector. Collect my shit and dress. Wait a couple hours in the sterile hell of the terminal. Possibly get singled out for a random inspection just before boarding (it happened twice). Sit in a cramped tin can for hours, a complimentary drink the only amenity afforded me by the airline.

My dad says airports are the happiest and saddest places in the world. I agree, but tack on an amendment: airports are the happiest, saddest, and most aggravating places in the world. And now they are apparently the most invasive in regard to personal space.

As much as I dislike the idea and implementation of body scans and enhanced pat downs, they are yet another annoying pill flyers will need to swallow (or have TSA officers insert anally). As a retired stewardess on “On Point” pointed out, we have no right to fly. That’s true. Flying is a traveling option. Though I make it sound like torture (which it is for me), it is the fastest and most privileged way to get from A to B. Though US airports (I think) and airspace are controlled by the FAA, airlines are private enterprises with ever-loosening regulation. They don’t have to do shit for their passengers (at least the steerage in coach), so I should be grateful for the trip, 12-ounce Coke product, and packet of pathetic crackers/peanuts they offer. Despite my rights as a US citizen, I have no distinct rights as an airline passenger. (A few years back, I think Congress was mulling a flyer’s bill of rights, but I cannot recall the exact proposal or customer indignity that probably initiated it.)

The guests on “On Point” can debate (intelligently) the merits or downfalls of body scans and enhanced pat downs all they want, but I think they are here to stay. Apparently, more than two-thirds of Americans have no problem with them. Personally, I have a major problem with body scanning, especially since there are no regulations in place regarding the use and ownership of the images. But there is really nothing I can do except ask to be patted down.

Every year it seems like the western world comes closer to resembling the type of futuristic dystopia or tyranny at the center of Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, most notably The Running Man and Total Recall.

In a roundabout way, here’s what I am getting at. One of the “On Point” guests referred to the use of body scanners and enhanced pat downs as “security theater.” It may look useful and provide an ambiance of safety, but it does nothing to solve the overarching problem of terrorism. This brings up a good point: the US and other countries are doing a lot to deter and counter terrorism, but almost nothing to resolve the issues leading to terrorism.

Body scanners and enhanced pat downs, I think, overlook more comprehensive and, potentially, permanent preventions of terrorism. Perhaps if the US and other western nations adopted a more understanding, respectful, and cooperative approach to foreign relations there may not be a need for such thorough and intrusive security screening. Seems sensible to me, but I will admit it is somewhat idealistic thinking.

Religious, cultural, and philosophical conflicts are deeply engrained and stubborn, but I am pretty sure they can never be fully resolved by neglecting the issue at large and forcing everyone through security checkpoints. Body scanners may reveal weapons, but hatred passes through undetected.