Three things that don't happen everyday

1.
Yesterday, UC Irvine Police received a report of a man dressed in camouflage carrying a rifle. He was walking toward campus through a student housing complex. A zotALERT — an emergency text message used to quickly notify staff and students of safety concerns, and named after the school’s odd fight cheer “Zot!” (it has something to do with anteaters, the school mascot, I think) — was sent and buildings were placed on lockdown while police and helicopters searched for the suspect.

The first I heard about it was through a friend. Then the department administrator came to my office and told me to lock my door as a precaution. I thought of Columbine and felt the same fearful uncertainty I did in high school that week 10 years ago. I heard the suite doors close and lock behind her after she left. A few professors were in their offices and decided to shut off all the lights, so I shut my door and turned off my light.

There I was: sitting in my office in the dark, the only illumination coming from my MacBook as I searched the LA Times and Wehrmacht (Orange County) Register for any information, and pissed that I probably shouldn’t walk to the gym after work. A guy with a gun? Fuck! I hate it when my plans are ruined by other people’s craziness (which is one reason why I don’t have a girlfriend).

After a half hour I became restless and unsatisfied with unsubstantiated news, so I went outside. I expected the ring road and walkways to be empty, but people were leisurely passing between buildings, talking to friends, and sitting on benches reading books. It sure didn’t look or feel like a crazy rifleman was on the prowl. My initial apprehension melted away and I walked to my friend’s office. While there we learned the report was probably a false alarm. It was likely a student carrying a paintball gun to his car.

2.
Before the whole gun thing happened, I was reading through email for one of the journals. Our production manager wrote to ask about figure placement in an article, then added this:

On a totally separate note, I’m aware that this will make me look really dense, but “[The Quiet Man]” is a bit of an ambiguous name, so I’ve been wondering for the longest time if you’re male or female (Dense! I know!). It’s terribly embarrassing, but I figured it was better if I asked you now rather than later.

Okay…

It’s not everyday that I’m asked if I’m a man or a woman. However, having a unisex name means that people who don’t know me personally, see me, or hear me are unsure if I’m a man or a woman. Our production manager is in Singapore, so she only knows me through email exchanges. I’m glad she asked and didn’t just assume I was one or the other, like the authors and referees who address me as Ms. [Quiet Man].

3.
This morning I stirred awake at 6:15 am (I looked at my clock radio) to take an urgent leak. When I returned to bed I crawled under the sheets to lightly snooze for a half hour before getting up for good. Fifteen minutes later my cell phone rang.

Nobody calls me that early for no good reason. I got up, concerned, and looked at the number. It had an Iowa City area code and a 335 UI prefix. My first thought was something happened to my family and a call was being made from the UI Hospitals & Clinics. I answered, my voice groggy, unsure what to expect.

“This is (I forgot his name) with university public safety. Is this [The Quiet Man]?”

“Yeah.” I started wondering why the University of Iowa pigs would be calling me. What had I done? What could they have on me? What long forgotten deed has come back to haunt me?

“Do you know [the dude who writes Churchill’s Cigar]?”

“Yeah.” Oh shit. What the hell has he done?

“He listed you as a reference on his job application and I wanted to call and ask if you had a few minutes to talk about him.”

“Yeah. Sure.” Phew!

“You weren’t still sleeping, were you?”

“Well, I live on the west coast now so I’m two hours ahead— Uhh, I mean, behind you.”

“Oh. He didn’t say anything about that. So it’s like six thirty there?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry about it. I have to get up in a few minutes anyway.”